It’s interesting what you come to realize as you get older. For starters, roller coasters don’t have the same thrilling effect on you anymore. Unless by thrill you think wanting to barf and cry and thinking you are going to die is totally awesome. Also, bubble gum just doesn’t have the same appeal. It just kind of gag inducing now.
Another thing, something that can be really great or really sad all at the same time, realizing that life is really short, that 24 hours is pretty much the blink of an eye and waiting for life to suddenly get easier is a waste of time because your life is not HARD, it’s just LIFE and that’s that.
From September through December of last year life got crazy. Really crazy. With Tyler’s working/school schedule pretty much rendering him a stranger and my shooting schedule together with the kids’ busy life and school I was going non-stop for 20 hours out of every day. Literally. See, I’m the kind of person that has a hard time saying no. Especially when it comes to taking photos — something that I love dearly. This photography journey of mine has meant so much to me. It gave me something that was just mine, something I got to share with everyone but that only I could offer and only I could do, independent of my family and my children. After Max was born I had a really hard time. And finding something that held my interest again was life changing for me. And so I take it very very seriously.
But, at the year’s end, I felt completely drained. And I’m mixed up about that because I truly truly SERIOUSLY truly LOVE doing this. I LOVE taking all of your photos and creating images that mean something and that are beautiful. I feel like I’m giving a gift and a part of me is in that gift. (And if you didn’t already think I was nuts you do now!) And I think most photographers go through the same thing at the end of the year — they love what they do but they realize how neglectful they were of the other parts of their lives — children, husband, house, general personal maintenance (ie hair, nails, and holy crap did I honestly wear that sweater?? did I look in the mirror??).
So that’s where I am right now. In that sort of slump after success — and oh yes, thanks to all of you wonderful wonderful people my year was a raging success!! — that pause between where I came from and where I want to go from here. I have no regrets, so what now? This could all be due to the fact that I turn 30 this year. Or it could be that I want to refocus a little.
So… what do I really want? Where IS life taking me at the moment? It’s slowly leading me back to my camera but it’s making me turn my lens back onto my own family. I’m feeling as though I still have so much to learn and so much room to grow and I want to offer you all my best self, not my half-asleep crazy-eyed oh my gosh am I REALLY wearing that sweater?? self. I want to be able to express myself here on this blog in everything that is here — the photos, the words and the design. I’ll probably be changing the design again. Why? Because I can. (I’m pretty sure this wiped clean look was me desperately trying to clear the clutter from EVERYTHING in my life!!)
And really… WHO is actually reading this? WHO actually cares what I do? I’m pretty sure there aren’t many of you. Those that have read through this post to the end, thank you for letting me be honest. I’m making changes because I like change. I’m refocusing on my family and being a better mother. This doesn’t mean I won’t be booking shoots anymore. Quite the contrary! I just want my voice and vision coming through my work more. I don’t want to feel lost in the drive.
And besides… is anyone really listening anyway?
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